In my earlier post I mentioned that when I learned about "learned helplessness" it stirred up memories of my childhood and adolescent years. In one of this semester's classes, Developmental Psychopathology, I'm getting similar flash backs, especially when we study mood disorders such as major depressive disorder (MDD). I'm not sure when my depression first started but I can tell you it seems like I have been depressed my whole life. As I read the material in the texbook for this class I see clearly how I was displaying symptoms of MDD as an adolescent. I have also read that the medical or academic community once thought that children could not have depression or mood disorders. Depression was viewed as a result of hostility and anger towards oneself because of a loss, whether actual or perceived. This was a typically "psychoanalytic" theory, based on Sigmund Freud and others like him in that era. Because children were thought not to have enough development in their superego to be able to direct anger and hostility to themselves, depression was seen as something children had no capacity to experience. Also, the very symptoms of depression were considered a normal part of development (mood swings, irritability, etc). Indeed, I remember hearing that point of view as I grew up. To me, it was an invalidation of the very essence of myself. In fact, I remember my mother telling one of the many psychologists I have seen in my life, that "everyone gets depressed" so I just needed to get over it.
I heard so many times the words, "there is nothing wrong with you" alternatively with "what's the matter with you?" I was discouraged from projecting any kind of pain or discomfort because it would cause my mother trouble and stress. I was to sit quietly in a corner and deal with whatever pain I had and not bother anyone. What this effectively did to me was to teach me how to hide my feelings from the world. It's why I believe that I developed the chronic carpal tunnel syndrome that never seems to resolve or go away. I remember "pushing through" the pain in my arms while at work because for years I had been taught not to express the discomfort, to deal with it privately, and "put up with it." It's why whenever I cry out unexpectedly in pain I am immediately embarrassed. I think it is also why I get so angry when I accidentally hurt myself, like bumping my knee, running into a corner, or pinching myself on something. Like many people I cry out with some choice curse word or phrase.
So, as I read the chapter in my textbook on Mood Disorders, I find myself flashing back to different occasions where I felt particularly invalidated or unheard. It started with the very first page of the chapter and has caused me to put down the book and write this post. I think the only way I can effectively deal with my history and move on from it is to be heard, which is what this blog is about. I know that this blog has never really had a point and most of it is just my rambling psyche expressing itself, but I am now channeling all those memories, looking at them from a different perspective and beginning to finally heal from what can be accurately described as emotional abuse.
I was never really "heard" growing up. A common thing my mother would often say is "I don't want to talk about it" or "Just go to your room." Those phrases muted the very normal desire and need to express one's self but that was my reality when growing up. I grew up with a single mother who was very overwhelmed with her responsibilities but instead of turning to drugs or alcohol, she internalized her own anguish (like losing her beloved husband at 25 years of age and being left with three small children), basically taught her children to do the same. To this day, I believe she feels it is not only unnecessary to talk about sad and hurtful memories, she sees it as a kind of etiquette that must be followed. Put on a happy face and shut up. That was the big message I received.
So, I'm intentionally breaking out of that and writing this stuff in my blog as a type of therapy and healing. Bad memories, conflicted emotions must not be shoved down, pushed down or repressed because the result will be a very troubled psyche. The more I read and learn about psychology the more I understand myself and give myself the freedom to move on. This is why I chose psychology as my major. I may never actually get a job where I am a counselor, researcher or technician in the field of psychology, but I will be informed of the reality of what makes me tick and hopefully, I can break free from some very old bad habits of relating to people.
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