As the fifth day of the new year rounds the afternoon hour, the silence in my home is loud. I do not turn on the television in fear of being sucked into its time-wasting, motivation-killing abyss. I've spent time with God and tried to be productive in the new year by finishing the card I made for the nice staff at the animal hospital where my Jabez died. It's all done now and ready to accompany the remaining unopened cans of cat food I purchased before he died. The animal hospital will refund my money and buy back the cans of cat food and I wanted to give them a card with his picture on it and just a little note to say thank you for helping him, and me, in this phase of life.
My heart still feels the hole that he left, the hole that he had filled after my husband died fourteen years ago. I was a widow of two years and an empty-nester and sought some kind of bond and decided that it should be with a pet, and so, Jabez came into my life. He was with me twelve and a half years and had grown to be my best and ever present friend. But now he is gone and what I have left is this blaring silence.
Silence that was once filled my one-sided conversation with Jabez. Although there were times where he would seem to answer my prattle with his little mews and meows, it was a comfort to me to be able to talk to him even if he didn't understand a word I said and to watch him as he slept. Now, I just have my silent thoughts and the soft tapping of the keys on my laptop. Even the noise from my neighbors seems to be non-existant today.
The silence seems to scream, "you are all alone". I need to take down the Christmas decorations but feel reluctant to make the change from holiday to a new year. I've been beaten down by the circumstances and failures of my life to rebound from the economic disaster that struck in 2009, I've got a new semester to look forward to but one that will include a repeat of the statistics class that is required before I can enroll in the research methods class, which I'm so looking forward to taking. Unfortunately, a C- does not get me into that class. It must be a grade of C or higher. So, for the first time in my educational career I must retake a class to move forward. I've got many more credits to fulfill besides that class but it is ego bruising at best and disheartening at most. Another bump in the road.
But I cried out to my God and went up for prayer at the service last night. I know, even if I don't feel, that He is walking right beside me, holding my hand, and sometimes carrying me, in the silence. I press into Him because He is all that I have and from Him is where my healing and restoration come. I submit to His Holy Spirit and let tears fall when they come and lay face down pouring out my grief and heartache. In the clanging silence I get up and put one foot in front of the other and take one task at a time to attempt, and then complete. I unplug the Christmas tree lights so they will cool down as I begin the gut wrenching process of surrendering the holidays to the new year and moving on to the next phase of my life.
Will new friends come into my life this year? Will I finally let go of the hurts of the past and smile to the world? Smile. That is the word that resounded so loudly in my head when the guy was praying over me last night. I don't smile a lot. It's something I have heard all my life, from random strangers too. "Why don't you smile?" Because I don't feel like it. I pray that I will feel like smiling more in this new year of 2013.
So, I smile at the silence and put some music on the stereo and continue to be God Strong Patty.
