Well, it's August 6, 2010. Today my daughter and her family heads to Indianapolis, Indiana to visit family back there. I won't be going because.. well... it's complicated.
My mother is having a "Commemoration" for the 50th anniversary of my father's death. He died when I was 15 months old. Just a baby. I have no recollection of him whatsoever. I only know that his death created an extremely troublesome childhood - to say the least. My mother didn't handle the death and subsequent single motherhood very well - to say the least. It's all very complicated and will eventually be written about but probably not here because it's private and - well - this blog is not.
What I will say is that the troubles of my childhood made me strong - God Strong. And that's what this blog is about. It's about despite all the emotional abuse and neglect God came into my life when I was very young - about 7 years old and carried me through it. He gave me courage, stamina and the intellect to at first survive and then to prosper.
At this point in my life, currently, one would question whether I'm prospering. However, He - The One - has been revealing to me that He is only giving me my heart's desire. He knew that working in an office behind a computer all day, dealing with office politics, was NOT my heart's desire. He also knew that while I found a really interesting new career in laboratory science, the supervision I was receiving and the head honchos of the company was tearing me apart from in the inside out. I put on 50 pounds, got dandruff - acne really, on my scalp of all things. Plus, I developed a hiatal hernia and other physical manifestations of my stress.
I've now been unemployed for almost 9 months with no end in sight. In fact, I've applied for SSI disability due to my carpal tunnel, nerve compression and disc degeneration issues. Working all day at a computer - or even half a day, 5 days a week, is no longer an option for me. Devastating as it is to be rendered incapable of working with computers after I devoted 15 years of my life to it plus the computer science degree I finally obtained, I realize now that while I have the aptitude to work with computers, it is just not my passion - it is not my heart's desire.
What is my heart's desire? Ahhh.... that is the Question. I have a passion for dance - I studied it for the first 20 years of my life but at 51 years of age, it is an impossible dream to become a professional dancer. I love the ocean and the beach - but well, who doesn't? Very few. Yes, I did uproot my life in Indianapolis 21 years ago and moved myself and my young daughter close to an ocean but making a living out of that passion hasn't yet materialized.
I'm still waiting on The One - The great I AM - to reveal to me what exactly is my next career move. I thought is was in a very specific healthcare related field but that is also proving to be elusive. Psychology is what I am now studying and planning to get that all elusive 4-year college degree in. If I don't become a psychologist or something related to counseling, then at least I may figure out how to live at peace with my aforementioned troubled childhood.
In any event, I will be strong, GOD strong. Because He made me the strong person that I am today.
