Changing My View of the Ocean

Well, I kept my senses open and this is what the Lord revealed to me: Be creative. Expand your mind when thinking about a way to support yourself.  Be true to who you are.  Do what makes you happy.  Break the mold on what an income looks like.  Simplify your life.

It has now been 20 months since I got laid off from the biotech firm.  The best employment offers I've had have been two separate temporary jobs lasting two weeks each.  I have embraced the idea of selling everything I own and getting rid of my STUFF.  The only thing I don't want to part with is my bed and my car. Everything else can go- save the electronics.  I'm sure at some point the cable television will go by the wayside of a faster smokin' laptop that I can plug a flat screen monitor into.  And Yes, I am going to short sale sell the condo.  Unless I win the Lotto or PCH, I'm not going to be able to put new kitchen cabinets in for quite some time and I just can't stand the bugs anymore.  I now affectionately refer to my condo as The Roach Hotel.  I thought painting would do the trick but it seems to have made it worse somehow.  Ugh!!

So, this epiphany finally seared open my soul last weekend.  Seriously, I had a religious experience!  When I couldn't sleep one Saturday night, I was at the Spring Valley Swap Meet by eight o'clock am the next day. This is significant because I have not had a reason to be out of bed that early since my last job assignment in June.

As I look back at my last post I see that the Lord is finally answering my prayers about showing me the direction my life should take.  I became at peace with the notion of moving out of the condo and getting rid of all the problems and frustrations that have come with it.  Like closing my bank account after a disastrous year or so at a big bank, I have returned to the credit union I have been a member of for more than a decade and a half. I am also going back to my original God-inspired desire to not own property but to just have a good reliable, liveable car and rent as close to the beach as possible.  I believe he is leading towards Ocean Beach now.

Ocean Beach was in my mind like Pacific Beach once was.  For years, I was literally scared of going to Pacific Beach because for years I lived in North County - Oceanside, Rancho Bernardo, and other areas north of the 56.  When my employment took me to Pacific Beach every day - that was the biotech firm phase - I learned to respect and love Pacific Beach.  Well, since I now have a friend in Ocean Beach I have been spending more time there and have come to see it as not so scary anymore.

God really met me there today and showed me the beauty of this beach and really how quicker I could get to it from my condo - The Roach Hotel.  And I thought, I could live in Ocean Beach if I just take my time about it and don't move too fast.  That was my problem in getting the roach hotel.  I just didn't take my time and listen to the leading of the Spirit because I did hear from Him.  I just ignored Him.  However, it's all working out because I have lived for the past nine months without paying mortgage or rent.  So, it's working for me now because if I had been renting when I got laid off I probably would have been homeless by now or doing the roommate thing.

Of course, if I really listened to the Spirit before, I would have SAVED all the money I earned and subsequently spent on STUFF that I am now trying to sell.  I could go on and on about what I should have done, and the devil wants me to, but I'm not going there.  I'm choosing to just continue to worship God in my life by listening to His voice and his leadings and just enjoy Him.  This was confirmed at Friday night service at Journey tonight.  Just like the previous week's message was a confirmation of what I believe God is saying to me.  I'm putting on a new coat, the coat that God had me on the whole time.  So, it's really like I had another coat covering up the coat that God wants me to wear.  It was something I thought other people wanted to see me in.  Not my real coat, but a coat manufactured out of everyone else's idea of what I should do and who I really am.

He has always been with me and I have pushed him away many times. But not anymore. I SO love God.  I'm once again, for the millionth time, falling in love all over again...with Jesus.

Keep Your Senses Open

My message today, July 1, 2011, from God wants You to Know on Facebook says: 

On this day of your life, Patty, we believe God wants you to know ... that today is a big day for you.  Yes, today. Keep your eyes open for a message. It might come in a shape of a bird flying overhead, or a graffiti on a wall, or a phrase said by a passerby, or... Whatever shape it has, this message has been trying to reach you for years, and today is finally the day. Keep your senses open. 

I wonder how many other people had this same message? In any case, I've had my senses open for a while now and what I keep coming back to is writing  - for a living.  The problem is I haven't written anything outside of school assignments and work projects.  When Alfredo died I kept sensing that I should write a book about my life but have kept pushing that thought to the back of my head.  It's really the only thing that makes sense except I have no clue how to get started.  I feel like I could alternately fill volumes of books or simply have nothing to say.  But I should right?  I should just start writing.  I guess that's why I started this blog in the first place but the vulnerability of sharing my past with the entire internet world seems to stop me.

So I should write my complete "book" offline and just post blogs about my experience in writing about my life.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Faith, Courage and Enthusiasm!

Faith Courage & Enthusiasm!  That is the cry of The Company Men movie with Ben Afleck and Kevin Costner.  A story about a huge company laying off thousands of workers.  That was their cry from the placement assistance service they were offered when they were let go.  The story ends on a high note when the VP starts his own company and hires all the guys from the layoff. Happily Ever After.  Well that's not how it is in real life and I'm sure everyone who has lived it knows that.I can see other lessons in the movie but this isn't a movie review, it's a blog post.

The thing is Faith is always tested.  Courage is proven.  And Enthusiasm wanes...  after 19 months, I've had two temporary jobs worth two weeks each and my enthusiasm has completely disappeared.  I've fallen into a life of couch potato for periods of time...like days without going outside.  I'm a home body to be sure but I also love the sun and the ocean.  What am I doing sitting around here all day?

The television should be called hypnovision because it hypnotizes those who watch it.  It's amazing how quiet and peaceful it is when you turn the TV off. It gives you a different perspective on your reality.  I'm turning it all off and going for a walk outside somewhere.

Happy Sunny Day!

Trust

Just back from another soul-sucking experience applying for county medical services. They want me to sign away my condo - a lien-before they will give me services.

I thought my days of struggling financially were over. But this experience with unemployment has just brought all those struggles back to me.  I thought I had turned a corner into a great career and didn't need anybody's help making ends meet.  However, that all changed in 2003 when I went on total temporary disability and subsequently lost my job and my career as a computer programmer due to the numerous operations and resultant work restrictions and just plain physical breakdown of my body.  Since I had never planned on anything happening that would end my career, I was unprepared for the financial downfall.  My fault.  I was living "high on the hog" and never thought much about what I would do in case of a disaster.

The death of my husband didn't wake me up to my spend thrift ways in fact it just fueled them even more.  When I got laid off in November 2009, my income went away from my "new" career and I found myself at a loss as to what I should or could do to maintain an income.  Thirteen years after the death of my husband and here I am unemployed and disabled to the point of not being able to do the jobs I've done in the past thirty years to support myself.  I'm in a financial quagmire and looking at bankruptcy or worse.

I know there are countless people who would kill for my unemployment check- especially today with the cold and the rain - some people who are down and out would think my living situation is luxury.  But it's all relevant isn't it?  While I am extremely grateful that I have a home to stay warm and dry in and my daughter is thriving in her own life I feel like I'm one step away from the gutter.

Is God calling me to leave everything behind and follow him?  Well, of course he is.  I just can't believe he really wants me to give up all I've worked for.  Why can't I just move into a new career and live successfully on my own?  Why after all these years is he stripping me of all possessions and independence?

I'll tell you why- it's because I have PRIDE - too much of it I guess.  Is this the only reason for my situation?  No, I have made really HUGE mistakes, financially and well, otherwise.  God has blessed me in ways I never before imagined but it seems as soon as I came home from the world, the prodigal daughter was greeted by the father and he did indeed throw a banquet in my honor.  Right after Alfredo died, the Lord blessed me with a wonderful church body that lifted me up and welcomed me into the fold.  I was still working at this time and while I did tithe faithfully then I blew all the rest of my income on stuff.  So, when the injury came and the physical limitations abounded, I had nothing to fall back on.  One bad decision after another put me in this financial hell hole.  Of course, that is relevant as well because like I said some people would view my situation as luxury. 

But I've never been jobless before.  I never had to worry about where my next paycheck was coming from.  I have lived in poor (another relative term) neighborhoods before but honestly I really thought I'd never be back here again.  So, the Lord continues his work in me - helping me to see how prideful I have become or really, how prideful I have always been.  That's what he has been revealing to me in that last several months. 

I get it now.  My pride and arrogance needed to be broken. Does that mean I have to sign away everything I have?  Does it mean the Lord is literally going to take me back to the status I had in 1981?  Where people looked down on me as a mother because they thought I was a teenager?  Where I had to live in risky neighborhoods and count pennies to eat?  Is he really going to take away my home, my car and all my possessions?  I'm afraid he is.  I'm afraid he is going to put in a place where I'm even more uncomfortable than I currently am.  I'm pretty sure he is doing it ever so slowly, like the way I ended up in southeast San Diego, a minority among my neighbors.  It was a process over three years that put me here.

Also, he is teaching me to trust in him.  Whereas I thought I trusted before, now I realize I'm not trusting him enough to work things out for my good.  I guess I need to keep that scripture from Philippians 1:6 in my mind, "being confident of this very thing, that he who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ".  Just another opportunity to be God Strong.  Don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  Never lose faith in the love of Jesus Christ.

Will God get me out of this mess?

Ever since I moved to south east San Diego and undergone a transformation from middle class professional to unemployed disabled person I can imagine how some of these people's lives are degraded by crime and mischief.  Because I no longer have the luxury of owning my own washer and dryer I have to use the condo complex's laundry rooms.  They had recently put in all new units last year and installed new granite counter tops and new floors in some of the laundry rooms.  It was really sweet and I was happy at least that I had a nice clean laundry room to do my laundry in. However, the "nice clean laundry room" has now been vandalized at least twice by taggers.  The compartments on the washers for all the laundry solutions are now grodey with caked-on liquid and powder detergents, and the bleach and softner dispensers are also caked with dried on gunk. 

This happening at the complex sparked a memory of some quote like poverty is oppression or the oppression of the poverty...something like that I'll have to google it... but I suddenly got it.  When you are down on your luck, and basically financially bankrupt, what can you do or think when some turd vandalizes your laundry room?  It is very depressing.  When no one cares enough to clean up the laundry room, when maintenance staff is reduced, when people are purposefully harming the environment in which they live, how do you stay positive?  You just look away, clean up what you can, call the property management company, mind your own business and keep to yourself.

And more importantly can you ever get out of it?  It's different when this bankrupt state happens and you still have a job.  At least, an official bankruptcy case will wipe out any financial obligations you may have that are weighing you down and keeping you from moving on.  However, when your bankrupt state has occurred because of IRS tax debt, it feels like the government does not care whether you live on the street or not. The government gives you unemployment benefits but taxes the hell out of those too.  It is such a vicious cycle that I thought I was forever out of since 1993.

Now I'm back in it deeper than ever.  Instead of socking away those hundreds of thousands of dollars I made as computer programmer, I spent it all on "stuff".  Stuff that now I'm slowing trying to sell just to make ends meet. 
Seriously, what am I going to do?????

Dear God, please help me out of this mess.