I like to attend Friday night service at my church and last Friday I was especially blessed by the comfort of knowing God and then after church I heard live music on the trolley ride back home.
I took the trolley to the transit station that is closest to the church I attend. As I walked the nine-tenths of a mile to church I realized that I have been walking to churches throughout my life. When I was struggling through adolescence in high school, I cut school and walked the seven long miles to my church. Years later when I was struggling through my second marriage, I walked to a neighborhood church alone, seeking answers and peace about the rocky relationship. More than a decade later after I had gotten divorced, moved to California, remarried and then widowed and was alone again I clung tightly to God and sought solace in church.
During the recent trials of unemployment and soul searching I walked up the hill to the Pentecostal church that is minutes away from my home and again sought God in the local church. One Sunday I heard worship coming from a tent in a parking lot nearby and walked again to that church service seeking comfort in the company of believers.
I enjoy my lone, solitary walks to houses of God and He blesses me with safety and special blessings on my journey. Like last Friday, as I boarded the trolley back to my home and found an empty booth right away, I noticed a guy strumming a guitar and singing softly. The trolley wasn’t crowded and the guy with the guitar continued his serenade for the small crowd. He was pretty good and asked the people aboard the trolley whether we enjoyed his music. Everyone agreed that he was good and enjoyed his music.
Someone must have asked him his name because I heard him say “Some people say I look like Jamie Foxx”, so he calls himself “Fox Washington”. I turned around to look at him when he said this and he really did look like Jamie Foxx! I asked him if he was sure he wasn’t Jamie Foxx because this guy was a dead ringer for Foxx. He laughed and said, "No, I'm not Jamie Foxx, I guess I just look like Jamie Foxx." He had longer, curlier hair and glasses but even after a long, second look at him he still looked like Jamie Foxx. One guy said, “Now do a rap song.” He obliged and did a short rap string and continued entertaining the trolley crowd as he brought smiles to those around him.
He continued his serenade and I was kind of sorry I had to disembark at my stop but was filled with joy and gratitude at my Friday night trip to church and back. Those feelings and special blessings are why I continue to seek out God in the company of believers and why I remain God Strong.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Happy Valentines Day
On February 14, 2012, I would have celebrated nineteen years of marriage to Alfredo Loy. To this day, I still miss him and remember his love for me. I remember how he could calm me with a gentle hand on my knee and a quiet “clam down, my love”. He would always recognize when I was spinning off into a fit of anger. He was the only one in my life who could calm me down and reassure me that things were going to be alright. His favorite nickname for me was “my love” and I miss hearing those words dearly.
One specific example of this I remember clearly was when we were unexpectedly visited by a local pastor of a Baptist church we had attended for a short time. Indeed, it was just this unexpected visit that drove us away from that church and to Maranatha Chapel where our faith grew and we were surrounded by God’s love. It was a late afternoon visit, or was it a mid-day visit? I’m not sure. I do remember I had been out shopping and came home to find the pastor sitting in my family room talking with Alfredo. This was the second type of unexpected visit to our home and I was more than a little miffed that it had happened again. Not that I had anything at all to hide from this man but just that I cherished my privacy because it had been so violated in my past. (The previous unexpected visit from an associate pastor, who just happened to be the pastor’s son, had occurred on a Saturday morning when we were having breakfast. My husband had turned the man away with a stern warning to call before he wanted to come visit us.)
On this day, I remember going to the kitchen to deposit my purchases and the pastor coming into the kitchen, extending his hand to mine and then gently pulling me towards the family room where Alfredo and he had been sitting. I acquiesced and sat down next to my husband who gave me a kiss and a knowing look that I was not happy with the situation.
The pastor was there because he had heard through the grapevine that we were not happy with his leadership and church family. As we talked, I grew more and more agitated as this man tried to justify what I felt were “un-god-like” doctrines he was preaching from the pulpit. I don’t remember exactly the words that had pushed me to the point of anger that precipitated Alfredo’s calming touch but I remember being instantly reassured and comforted by his hand on my knee and his quiet, loving voice.
It is that simple effect he had on me that I miss today. I can be pretty headstrong and back then I was pretty explosive but I do believe I have mellowed with age. It has been fourteen years since this love of my life left this earth. It is in the quiet moments where I am calm and open to the Holy Spirit that I remember him so much. I have the hope of an eternal life where I will see Alfredo Loy once again. I will rejoice not only in the presence of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ but to see my husband once again and walk arm in arm with him on streets of gold.
One specific example of this I remember clearly was when we were unexpectedly visited by a local pastor of a Baptist church we had attended for a short time. Indeed, it was just this unexpected visit that drove us away from that church and to Maranatha Chapel where our faith grew and we were surrounded by God’s love. It was a late afternoon visit, or was it a mid-day visit? I’m not sure. I do remember I had been out shopping and came home to find the pastor sitting in my family room talking with Alfredo. This was the second type of unexpected visit to our home and I was more than a little miffed that it had happened again. Not that I had anything at all to hide from this man but just that I cherished my privacy because it had been so violated in my past. (The previous unexpected visit from an associate pastor, who just happened to be the pastor’s son, had occurred on a Saturday morning when we were having breakfast. My husband had turned the man away with a stern warning to call before he wanted to come visit us.)
On this day, I remember going to the kitchen to deposit my purchases and the pastor coming into the kitchen, extending his hand to mine and then gently pulling me towards the family room where Alfredo and he had been sitting. I acquiesced and sat down next to my husband who gave me a kiss and a knowing look that I was not happy with the situation.
The pastor was there because he had heard through the grapevine that we were not happy with his leadership and church family. As we talked, I grew more and more agitated as this man tried to justify what I felt were “un-god-like” doctrines he was preaching from the pulpit. I don’t remember exactly the words that had pushed me to the point of anger that precipitated Alfredo’s calming touch but I remember being instantly reassured and comforted by his hand on my knee and his quiet, loving voice.
It is that simple effect he had on me that I miss today. I can be pretty headstrong and back then I was pretty explosive but I do believe I have mellowed with age. It has been fourteen years since this love of my life left this earth. It is in the quiet moments where I am calm and open to the Holy Spirit that I remember him so much. I have the hope of an eternal life where I will see Alfredo Loy once again. I will rejoice not only in the presence of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ but to see my husband once again and walk arm in arm with him on streets of gold.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Adventures in Public Transportation
Well, it's been over a month now of traveling by bus since the voluntary surrender of my vehicle. For the most part it's been hassle free and I'm thankful for the decrease in my stress level. It's interesting to watch people on public transportation. I've learned why some people wear headphones and listen to their own music. There can be some loud, intimidating people on the buses and trains and listening to my music keeps my stress level down. I keep my MP3 player in my bag and usually take along an interesting book to read as well.
I must say the rumors I've heard about the people who travel public transportation have proved true. The first day I encountered many individuals who most likely have schizophrenia, lots of working class folk, children, and some really scary people. I was happy to see the trolley stations staffed with police officers who were really helpful with my questions. One time, two armed security officers boarded the trolley and checked everyone for having a ticket to ride or a bus pass.
For the most part it has been quite pleasant. I spend a lot of time waiting around, either for buses or trolleys. I also spend a lot of time walking from one stop to the next. For my weekly chiropractors visit, I have to take three buses one way. Then I walk about two miles to the chiropractor's office. The bus drives along Harbor Drive and I get to look out on San Diego's harbor and even get to see the Star of India on my travels to the chiropractor. Any day I can see my beloved ocean is a good day. That day instead of going straight home, which would have only been a four to five minute walk to the appropriate bus stop, I went back to the stop I got off of and took it all the way to Ocean Beach.
I walked through OB to the beach and walked along the sand. Every year they build up sand hills to block the beach from the winter ocean so, in order to really see the water you have to go over these huge sand mounds. Thankfully, that day there was a ramp made of sand and it was breeze getting over that sand hill. The huge surf we had last week was completely non-existent (wouldn't ya know) but I loved my walk along the water. There were several other people walking along and hanging out and I always wonder at the different ways we Californians dress. Some of us, like me, had on sneakers, capris and a jacket, while others were barefoot and short sleeved. Also, I noticed several homeless people with hats and gloves and heavier coats. There is a big homeless population in OB, it's practically famous for it in San Diego, and I encountered my share of those folk too.
On this particular day, it seemed that I was too late for a street fair as booths were being torn down but the streets were still cordoned off. No matter, by then I had had enough of walking, and I found a bus stop and decided to wait along with four or five young men that were hanging out by the benches. They were eating and I couldn't actually sit on the bench but I stood at one end and sat on the arm of the bench to wait for the bus. While I waited I must have heard the word "sketchy" about thirty times. Things like "it was getting kind of sketchy last night at {someone's place}." That was the first time I had heard that particular slang but I guess that ages me doesn't it?
Anyway, you can send a text message to MTS (Mass Transit System) with the stop number that is posted at each bus stop and MTS will send a text message with the next arrival times/buses for that stop. So, I did that but I wasn't getting a text message back from MTS and was getting kind of nervous around the guys hanging out, so I decided to walk up the street to the next stop. I had to walk about three or four blocks and sent another text message to MTS but just wasn't getting a call back. I finally walked to the next one and waited until the bus came rolling along about fifteen minutes later. I hopped on and it took me back the way I had been walking past the stop where the guys were but they were gone from the bus stop by that time. Then the bus went, I don't know half a mile, before the bus stopped and the driver went on break.
I had to get off the bus and ended up walking across the street to wait at the bus stop across the street. Then I realized that I had been waiting on the wrong side of the street for the bus. This is in addition to walking half a dozen blocks in the wrong direction that I needed to go. It figures. I'm really directionally challenged. Seriously. I need to wear a compass on my wrist. Actually, that wouldn't have really helped me then. I knew I was walking north but the street I was looking for was south of where I was walking. It's that kind of challenge that I almost always have problems with. If I think it is right then it's usually left. But sometimes I try to second guess myself but that never seems to work out either. I don't know...
Last week, I was coming back from somewhere and got on the wrong bus and jumped off at the first stop and walked back to the trolley station to wait on the right bus. Today was an especially adventurous day as I took the trolley downtown to visit my lawyers office. I had planned out what station I needed to get off of last night and that was Americas Plaza trolley stop. Then this morning, while looking at the map, I decided that the MTS Trip Planner had instructed me to get off at a stop that I thought was farther from my destination. What I had neglected to do was enter 402 WEST Broadway and instead entered 402 Broadway. So, I decided I would get off at the Civic Center Trolley stop instead of the Americas Plaza stop.
Then I followed the directions I had constructed as to which direction I needed to walk to get to my destination from the trolley stop. It turned out that the Civic Center stop may have been closer to 402 East Broadway but about five blocks south of where 402 West Broadway is. So, I made it to my appointment with ten minutes to spare and listened to my lawyer layout the gloomy details of my financial bankruptcy. When I left the building, I went out the opposite door than which I had entered and found myself right in front of Americas Plaza trolley stop. Sigh!
I needed to go to another courthouse to check on another piece of personal business and this is where my adventure truly began. I had to go to F street. Well, San Diego, in all their wisdom, has put a couple of condominium complexes in the middle of F street. So I couldn't just walk to F street and find the building I was looking for. No, I had to walk around the complexes and of course in my directionally-challenged mind, I ended up walking in a huge circle and down a few blocks before I found the building. Which, as it turned out was literally two blocks south of where the lawyers office was.
In my desire to appear business-like and professional, I had dressed in business casual attire which consisted of dark blue denim jeans, a grey camisole and a short black jacket with short sleeves. Because the jeans were a little long, I needed to wear somewhat of a heel so I had chosen my red pumps with a one and a half inch heel to make the outfit pop. Well, it had been some time since I had worn anything but Ugg-style boots, sneakers or sandals and on the way to the lawyer's office, my ankle kept giving out and I would stumble and jerk myself into staying vertical. On my circuitous route from the lawyers office to the other court house, one of my toes started really hurting and I finally took my shoes off to discover that I was developing a blister on one toe. So, I walked barefooted to my next destination carrying my red shoes that made the outfit pop.
So, after my errands I walked the two blocks back to Americas Plaza trolley station and boarded the train about five minutes later, after putting a band-aid on my toe. However, once the train started rolling about three stops down the track, I discovered that I had boarded the train at the point when it was going in a circle and coming to its last stop. SIGH!!!
I got off the trolley and walked several yards to the Twelfth and Imperial Trolley Station and waited another ten or fifteen minutes before the right train arrived. While waiting I was entertained by a lady singing "Jeremiah was a bull frog..." and pacing back and forth in front of me. Then she said something about thirteen and that is "code for marijuana" and "if you want some of that I've got that too, just ask". Oh boy!
I eventually made it safely home and immediately took off my red shoes, my professional business attire and changed into sweatpants. Ahhh, sweet relief!
I must say the rumors I've heard about the people who travel public transportation have proved true. The first day I encountered many individuals who most likely have schizophrenia, lots of working class folk, children, and some really scary people. I was happy to see the trolley stations staffed with police officers who were really helpful with my questions. One time, two armed security officers boarded the trolley and checked everyone for having a ticket to ride or a bus pass.
For the most part it has been quite pleasant. I spend a lot of time waiting around, either for buses or trolleys. I also spend a lot of time walking from one stop to the next. For my weekly chiropractors visit, I have to take three buses one way. Then I walk about two miles to the chiropractor's office. The bus drives along Harbor Drive and I get to look out on San Diego's harbor and even get to see the Star of India on my travels to the chiropractor. Any day I can see my beloved ocean is a good day. That day instead of going straight home, which would have only been a four to five minute walk to the appropriate bus stop, I went back to the stop I got off of and took it all the way to Ocean Beach.
I walked through OB to the beach and walked along the sand. Every year they build up sand hills to block the beach from the winter ocean so, in order to really see the water you have to go over these huge sand mounds. Thankfully, that day there was a ramp made of sand and it was breeze getting over that sand hill. The huge surf we had last week was completely non-existent (wouldn't ya know) but I loved my walk along the water. There were several other people walking along and hanging out and I always wonder at the different ways we Californians dress. Some of us, like me, had on sneakers, capris and a jacket, while others were barefoot and short sleeved. Also, I noticed several homeless people with hats and gloves and heavier coats. There is a big homeless population in OB, it's practically famous for it in San Diego, and I encountered my share of those folk too.
On this particular day, it seemed that I was too late for a street fair as booths were being torn down but the streets were still cordoned off. No matter, by then I had had enough of walking, and I found a bus stop and decided to wait along with four or five young men that were hanging out by the benches. They were eating and I couldn't actually sit on the bench but I stood at one end and sat on the arm of the bench to wait for the bus. While I waited I must have heard the word "sketchy" about thirty times. Things like "it was getting kind of sketchy last night at {someone's place}." That was the first time I had heard that particular slang but I guess that ages me doesn't it?
Anyway, you can send a text message to MTS (Mass Transit System) with the stop number that is posted at each bus stop and MTS will send a text message with the next arrival times/buses for that stop. So, I did that but I wasn't getting a text message back from MTS and was getting kind of nervous around the guys hanging out, so I decided to walk up the street to the next stop. I had to walk about three or four blocks and sent another text message to MTS but just wasn't getting a call back. I finally walked to the next one and waited until the bus came rolling along about fifteen minutes later. I hopped on and it took me back the way I had been walking past the stop where the guys were but they were gone from the bus stop by that time. Then the bus went, I don't know half a mile, before the bus stopped and the driver went on break.
I had to get off the bus and ended up walking across the street to wait at the bus stop across the street. Then I realized that I had been waiting on the wrong side of the street for the bus. This is in addition to walking half a dozen blocks in the wrong direction that I needed to go. It figures. I'm really directionally challenged. Seriously. I need to wear a compass on my wrist. Actually, that wouldn't have really helped me then. I knew I was walking north but the street I was looking for was south of where I was walking. It's that kind of challenge that I almost always have problems with. If I think it is right then it's usually left. But sometimes I try to second guess myself but that never seems to work out either. I don't know...
Last week, I was coming back from somewhere and got on the wrong bus and jumped off at the first stop and walked back to the trolley station to wait on the right bus. Today was an especially adventurous day as I took the trolley downtown to visit my lawyers office. I had planned out what station I needed to get off of last night and that was Americas Plaza trolley stop. Then this morning, while looking at the map, I decided that the MTS Trip Planner had instructed me to get off at a stop that I thought was farther from my destination. What I had neglected to do was enter 402 WEST Broadway and instead entered 402 Broadway. So, I decided I would get off at the Civic Center Trolley stop instead of the Americas Plaza stop.
Then I followed the directions I had constructed as to which direction I needed to walk to get to my destination from the trolley stop. It turned out that the Civic Center stop may have been closer to 402 East Broadway but about five blocks south of where 402 West Broadway is. So, I made it to my appointment with ten minutes to spare and listened to my lawyer layout the gloomy details of my financial bankruptcy. When I left the building, I went out the opposite door than which I had entered and found myself right in front of Americas Plaza trolley stop. Sigh!
I needed to go to another courthouse to check on another piece of personal business and this is where my adventure truly began. I had to go to F street. Well, San Diego, in all their wisdom, has put a couple of condominium complexes in the middle of F street. So I couldn't just walk to F street and find the building I was looking for. No, I had to walk around the complexes and of course in my directionally-challenged mind, I ended up walking in a huge circle and down a few blocks before I found the building. Which, as it turned out was literally two blocks south of where the lawyers office was.
In my desire to appear business-like and professional, I had dressed in business casual attire which consisted of dark blue denim jeans, a grey camisole and a short black jacket with short sleeves. Because the jeans were a little long, I needed to wear somewhat of a heel so I had chosen my red pumps with a one and a half inch heel to make the outfit pop. Well, it had been some time since I had worn anything but Ugg-style boots, sneakers or sandals and on the way to the lawyer's office, my ankle kept giving out and I would stumble and jerk myself into staying vertical. On my circuitous route from the lawyers office to the other court house, one of my toes started really hurting and I finally took my shoes off to discover that I was developing a blister on one toe. So, I walked barefooted to my next destination carrying my red shoes that made the outfit pop.
So, after my errands I walked the two blocks back to Americas Plaza trolley station and boarded the train about five minutes later, after putting a band-aid on my toe. However, once the train started rolling about three stops down the track, I discovered that I had boarded the train at the point when it was going in a circle and coming to its last stop. SIGH!!!
I got off the trolley and walked several yards to the Twelfth and Imperial Trolley Station and waited another ten or fifteen minutes before the right train arrived. While waiting I was entertained by a lady singing "Jeremiah was a bull frog..." and pacing back and forth in front of me. Then she said something about thirteen and that is "code for marijuana" and "if you want some of that I've got that too, just ask". Oh boy!
I eventually made it safely home and immediately took off my red shoes, my professional business attire and changed into sweatpants. Ahhh, sweet relief!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Changing My View of the Ocean
Well, I kept my senses open and this is what the Lord revealed to me: Be creative. Expand your mind when thinking about a way to support yourself. Be true to who you are. Do what makes you happy. Break the mold on what an income looks like. Simplify your life.
It has now been 20 months since I got laid off from the biotech firm. The best employment offers I've had have been two separate temporary jobs lasting two weeks each. I have embraced the idea of selling everything I own and getting rid of my STUFF. The only thing I don't want to part with is my bed and my car. Everything else can go- save the electronics. I'm sure at some point the cable television will go by the wayside of a faster smokin' laptop that I can plug a flat screen monitor into. And Yes, I am going to short sale sell the condo. Unless I win the Lotto or PCH, I'm not going to be able to put new kitchen cabinets in for quite some time and I just can't stand the bugs anymore. I now affectionately refer to my condo as The Roach Hotel. I thought painting would do the trick but it seems to have made it worse somehow. Ugh!!
So, this epiphany finally seared open my soul last weekend. Seriously, I had a religious experience! When I couldn't sleep one Saturday night, I was at the Spring Valley Swap Meet by eight o'clock am the next day. This is significant because I have not had a reason to be out of bed that early since my last job assignment in June.
As I look back at my last post I see that the Lord is finally answering my prayers about showing me the direction my life should take. I became at peace with the notion of moving out of the condo and getting rid of all the problems and frustrations that have come with it. Like closing my bank account after a disastrous year or so at a big bank, I have returned to the credit union I have been a member of for more than a decade and a half. I am also going back to my original God-inspired desire to not own property but to just have a good reliable, liveable car and rent as close to the beach as possible. I believe he is leading towards Ocean Beach now.
Ocean Beach was in my mind like Pacific Beach once was. For years, I was literally scared of going to Pacific Beach because for years I lived in North County - Oceanside, Rancho Bernardo, and other areas north of the 56. When my employment took me to Pacific Beach every day - that was the biotech firm phase - I learned to respect and love Pacific Beach. Well, since I now have a friend in Ocean Beach I have been spending more time there and have come to see it as not so scary anymore.
God really met me there today and showed me the beauty of this beach and really how quicker I could get to it from my condo - The Roach Hotel. And I thought, I could live in Ocean Beach if I just take my time about it and don't move too fast. That was my problem in getting the roach hotel. I just didn't take my time and listen to the leading of the Spirit because I did hear from Him. I just ignored Him. However, it's all working out because I have lived for the past nine months without paying mortgage or rent. So, it's working for me now because if I had been renting when I got laid off I probably would have been homeless by now or doing the roommate thing.
Of course, if I really listened to the Spirit before, I would have SAVED all the money I earned and subsequently spent on STUFF that I am now trying to sell. I could go on and on about what I should have done, and the devil wants me to, but I'm not going there. I'm choosing to just continue to worship God in my life by listening to His voice and his leadings and just enjoy Him. This was confirmed at Friday night service at Journey tonight. Just like the previous week's message was a confirmation of what I believe God is saying to me. I'm putting on a new coat, the coat that God had me on the whole time. So, it's really like I had another coat covering up the coat that God wants me to wear. It was something I thought other people wanted to see me in. Not my real coat, but a coat manufactured out of everyone else's idea of what I should do and who I really am.
He has always been with me and I have pushed him away many times. But not anymore. I SO love God. I'm once again, for the millionth time, falling in love all over again...with Jesus.
It has now been 20 months since I got laid off from the biotech firm. The best employment offers I've had have been two separate temporary jobs lasting two weeks each. I have embraced the idea of selling everything I own and getting rid of my STUFF. The only thing I don't want to part with is my bed and my car. Everything else can go- save the electronics. I'm sure at some point the cable television will go by the wayside of a faster smokin' laptop that I can plug a flat screen monitor into. And Yes, I am going to short sale sell the condo. Unless I win the Lotto or PCH, I'm not going to be able to put new kitchen cabinets in for quite some time and I just can't stand the bugs anymore. I now affectionately refer to my condo as The Roach Hotel. I thought painting would do the trick but it seems to have made it worse somehow. Ugh!!
So, this epiphany finally seared open my soul last weekend. Seriously, I had a religious experience! When I couldn't sleep one Saturday night, I was at the Spring Valley Swap Meet by eight o'clock am the next day. This is significant because I have not had a reason to be out of bed that early since my last job assignment in June.
As I look back at my last post I see that the Lord is finally answering my prayers about showing me the direction my life should take. I became at peace with the notion of moving out of the condo and getting rid of all the problems and frustrations that have come with it. Like closing my bank account after a disastrous year or so at a big bank, I have returned to the credit union I have been a member of for more than a decade and a half. I am also going back to my original God-inspired desire to not own property but to just have a good reliable, liveable car and rent as close to the beach as possible. I believe he is leading towards Ocean Beach now.
Ocean Beach was in my mind like Pacific Beach once was. For years, I was literally scared of going to Pacific Beach because for years I lived in North County - Oceanside, Rancho Bernardo, and other areas north of the 56. When my employment took me to Pacific Beach every day - that was the biotech firm phase - I learned to respect and love Pacific Beach. Well, since I now have a friend in Ocean Beach I have been spending more time there and have come to see it as not so scary anymore.
God really met me there today and showed me the beauty of this beach and really how quicker I could get to it from my condo - The Roach Hotel. And I thought, I could live in Ocean Beach if I just take my time about it and don't move too fast. That was my problem in getting the roach hotel. I just didn't take my time and listen to the leading of the Spirit because I did hear from Him. I just ignored Him. However, it's all working out because I have lived for the past nine months without paying mortgage or rent. So, it's working for me now because if I had been renting when I got laid off I probably would have been homeless by now or doing the roommate thing.
Of course, if I really listened to the Spirit before, I would have SAVED all the money I earned and subsequently spent on STUFF that I am now trying to sell. I could go on and on about what I should have done, and the devil wants me to, but I'm not going there. I'm choosing to just continue to worship God in my life by listening to His voice and his leadings and just enjoy Him. This was confirmed at Friday night service at Journey tonight. Just like the previous week's message was a confirmation of what I believe God is saying to me. I'm putting on a new coat, the coat that God had me on the whole time. So, it's really like I had another coat covering up the coat that God wants me to wear. It was something I thought other people wanted to see me in. Not my real coat, but a coat manufactured out of everyone else's idea of what I should do and who I really am.
He has always been with me and I have pushed him away many times. But not anymore. I SO love God. I'm once again, for the millionth time, falling in love all over again...with Jesus.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Keep Your Senses Open
My message today, July 1, 2011, from God wants You to Know on Facebook says:
On this day of your life, Patty, we believe God wants you to know ... that today is a big day for you. Yes, today. Keep your eyes open for a message. It might come in a shape of a bird flying overhead, or a graffiti on a wall, or a phrase said by a passerby, or... Whatever shape it has, this message has been trying to reach you for years, and today is finally the day. Keep your senses open.
I wonder how many other people had this same message? In any case, I've had my senses open for a while now and what I keep coming back to is writing - for a living. The problem is I haven't written anything outside of school assignments and work projects. When Alfredo died I kept sensing that I should write a book about my life but have kept pushing that thought to the back of my head. It's really the only thing that makes sense except I have no clue how to get started. I feel like I could alternately fill volumes of books or simply have nothing to say. But I should right? I should just start writing. I guess that's why I started this blog in the first place but the vulnerability of sharing my past with the entire internet world seems to stop me.
So I should write my complete "book" offline and just post blogs about my experience in writing about my life. I'll let you know how it goes.
On this day of your life, Patty, we believe God wants you to know ... that today is a big day for you. Yes, today. Keep your eyes open for a message. It might come in a shape of a bird flying overhead, or a graffiti on a wall, or a phrase said by a passerby, or... Whatever shape it has, this message has been trying to reach you for years, and today is finally the day. Keep your senses open.
I wonder how many other people had this same message? In any case, I've had my senses open for a while now and what I keep coming back to is writing - for a living. The problem is I haven't written anything outside of school assignments and work projects. When Alfredo died I kept sensing that I should write a book about my life but have kept pushing that thought to the back of my head. It's really the only thing that makes sense except I have no clue how to get started. I feel like I could alternately fill volumes of books or simply have nothing to say. But I should right? I should just start writing. I guess that's why I started this blog in the first place but the vulnerability of sharing my past with the entire internet world seems to stop me.
So I should write my complete "book" offline and just post blogs about my experience in writing about my life. I'll let you know how it goes.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Faith, Courage and Enthusiasm!
Faith Courage & Enthusiasm! That is the cry of The Company Men movie with Ben Afleck and Kevin Costner. A story about a huge company laying off thousands of workers. That was their cry from the placement assistance service they were offered when they were let go. The story ends on a high note when the VP starts his own company and hires all the guys from the layoff. Happily Ever After. Well that's not how it is in real life and I'm sure everyone who has lived it knows that.I can see other lessons in the movie but this isn't a movie review, it's a blog post.
The thing is Faith is always tested. Courage is proven. And Enthusiasm wanes... after 19 months, I've had two temporary jobs worth two weeks each and my enthusiasm has completely disappeared. I've fallen into a life of couch potato for periods of time...like days without going outside. I'm a home body to be sure but I also love the sun and the ocean. What am I doing sitting around here all day?
The television should be called hypnovision because it hypnotizes those who watch it. It's amazing how quiet and peaceful it is when you turn the TV off. It gives you a different perspective on your reality. I'm turning it all off and going for a walk outside somewhere.
Happy Sunny Day!
The thing is Faith is always tested. Courage is proven. And Enthusiasm wanes... after 19 months, I've had two temporary jobs worth two weeks each and my enthusiasm has completely disappeared. I've fallen into a life of couch potato for periods of time...like days without going outside. I'm a home body to be sure but I also love the sun and the ocean. What am I doing sitting around here all day?
The television should be called hypnovision because it hypnotizes those who watch it. It's amazing how quiet and peaceful it is when you turn the TV off. It gives you a different perspective on your reality. I'm turning it all off and going for a walk outside somewhere.
Happy Sunny Day!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Trust
Just back from another soul-sucking experience applying for county medical services. They want me to sign away my condo - a lien-before they will give me services.
I thought my days of struggling financially were over. But this experience with unemployment has just brought all those struggles back to me. I thought I had turned a corner into a great career and didn't need anybody's help making ends meet. However, that all changed in 2003 when I went on total temporary disability and subsequently lost my job and my career as a computer programmer due to the numerous operations and resultant work restrictions and just plain physical breakdown of my body. Since I had never planned on anything happening that would end my career, I was unprepared for the financial downfall. My fault. I was living "high on the hog" and never thought much about what I would do in case of a disaster.
The death of my husband didn't wake me up to my spend thrift ways in fact it just fueled them even more. When I got laid off in November 2009, my income went away from my "new" career and I found myself at a loss as to what I should or could do to maintain an income. Thirteen years after the death of my husband and here I am unemployed and disabled to the point of not being able to do the jobs I've done in the past thirty years to support myself. I'm in a financial quagmire and looking at bankruptcy or worse.
I know there are countless people who would kill for my unemployment check- especially today with the cold and the rain - some people who are down and out would think my living situation is luxury. But it's all relevant isn't it? While I am extremely grateful that I have a home to stay warm and dry in and my daughter is thriving in her own life I feel like I'm one step away from the gutter.
Is God calling me to leave everything behind and follow him? Well, of course he is. I just can't believe he really wants me to give up all I've worked for. Why can't I just move into a new career and live successfully on my own? Why after all these years is he stripping me of all possessions and independence?
I'll tell you why- it's because I have PRIDE - too much of it I guess. Is this the only reason for my situation? No, I have made really HUGE mistakes, financially and well, otherwise. God has blessed me in ways I never before imagined but it seems as soon as I came home from the world, the prodigal daughter was greeted by the father and he did indeed throw a banquet in my honor. Right after Alfredo died, the Lord blessed me with a wonderful church body that lifted me up and welcomed me into the fold. I was still working at this time and while I did tithe faithfully then I blew all the rest of my income on stuff. So, when the injury came and the physical limitations abounded, I had nothing to fall back on. One bad decision after another put me in this financial hell hole. Of course, that is relevant as well because like I said some people would view my situation as luxury.
But I've never been jobless before. I never had to worry about where my next paycheck was coming from. I have lived in poor (another relative term) neighborhoods before but honestly I really thought I'd never be back here again. So, the Lord continues his work in me - helping me to see how prideful I have become or really, how prideful I have always been. That's what he has been revealing to me in that last several months.
I get it now. My pride and arrogance needed to be broken. Does that mean I have to sign away everything I have? Does it mean the Lord is literally going to take me back to the status I had in 1981? Where people looked down on me as a mother because they thought I was a teenager? Where I had to live in risky neighborhoods and count pennies to eat? Is he really going to take away my home, my car and all my possessions? I'm afraid he is. I'm afraid he is going to put in a place where I'm even more uncomfortable than I currently am. I'm pretty sure he is doing it ever so slowly, like the way I ended up in southeast San Diego, a minority among my neighbors. It was a process over three years that put me here.
Also, he is teaching me to trust in him. Whereas I thought I trusted before, now I realize I'm not trusting him enough to work things out for my good. I guess I need to keep that scripture from Philippians 1:6 in my mind, "being confident of this very thing, that he who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ". Just another opportunity to be God Strong. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Never lose faith in the love of Jesus Christ.
I thought my days of struggling financially were over. But this experience with unemployment has just brought all those struggles back to me. I thought I had turned a corner into a great career and didn't need anybody's help making ends meet. However, that all changed in 2003 when I went on total temporary disability and subsequently lost my job and my career as a computer programmer due to the numerous operations and resultant work restrictions and just plain physical breakdown of my body. Since I had never planned on anything happening that would end my career, I was unprepared for the financial downfall. My fault. I was living "high on the hog" and never thought much about what I would do in case of a disaster.
The death of my husband didn't wake me up to my spend thrift ways in fact it just fueled them even more. When I got laid off in November 2009, my income went away from my "new" career and I found myself at a loss as to what I should or could do to maintain an income. Thirteen years after the death of my husband and here I am unemployed and disabled to the point of not being able to do the jobs I've done in the past thirty years to support myself. I'm in a financial quagmire and looking at bankruptcy or worse.
I know there are countless people who would kill for my unemployment check- especially today with the cold and the rain - some people who are down and out would think my living situation is luxury. But it's all relevant isn't it? While I am extremely grateful that I have a home to stay warm and dry in and my daughter is thriving in her own life I feel like I'm one step away from the gutter.
Is God calling me to leave everything behind and follow him? Well, of course he is. I just can't believe he really wants me to give up all I've worked for. Why can't I just move into a new career and live successfully on my own? Why after all these years is he stripping me of all possessions and independence?
I'll tell you why- it's because I have PRIDE - too much of it I guess. Is this the only reason for my situation? No, I have made really HUGE mistakes, financially and well, otherwise. God has blessed me in ways I never before imagined but it seems as soon as I came home from the world, the prodigal daughter was greeted by the father and he did indeed throw a banquet in my honor. Right after Alfredo died, the Lord blessed me with a wonderful church body that lifted me up and welcomed me into the fold. I was still working at this time and while I did tithe faithfully then I blew all the rest of my income on stuff. So, when the injury came and the physical limitations abounded, I had nothing to fall back on. One bad decision after another put me in this financial hell hole. Of course, that is relevant as well because like I said some people would view my situation as luxury.
But I've never been jobless before. I never had to worry about where my next paycheck was coming from. I have lived in poor (another relative term) neighborhoods before but honestly I really thought I'd never be back here again. So, the Lord continues his work in me - helping me to see how prideful I have become or really, how prideful I have always been. That's what he has been revealing to me in that last several months.
I get it now. My pride and arrogance needed to be broken. Does that mean I have to sign away everything I have? Does it mean the Lord is literally going to take me back to the status I had in 1981? Where people looked down on me as a mother because they thought I was a teenager? Where I had to live in risky neighborhoods and count pennies to eat? Is he really going to take away my home, my car and all my possessions? I'm afraid he is. I'm afraid he is going to put in a place where I'm even more uncomfortable than I currently am. I'm pretty sure he is doing it ever so slowly, like the way I ended up in southeast San Diego, a minority among my neighbors. It was a process over three years that put me here.
Also, he is teaching me to trust in him. Whereas I thought I trusted before, now I realize I'm not trusting him enough to work things out for my good. I guess I need to keep that scripture from Philippians 1:6 in my mind, "being confident of this very thing, that he who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ". Just another opportunity to be God Strong. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Never lose faith in the love of Jesus Christ.
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