Trust

Just back from another soul-sucking experience applying for county medical services. They want me to sign away my condo - a lien-before they will give me services.

I thought my days of struggling financially were over. But this experience with unemployment has just brought all those struggles back to me.  I thought I had turned a corner into a great career and didn't need anybody's help making ends meet.  However, that all changed in 2003 when I went on total temporary disability and subsequently lost my job and my career as a computer programmer due to the numerous operations and resultant work restrictions and just plain physical breakdown of my body.  Since I had never planned on anything happening that would end my career, I was unprepared for the financial downfall.  My fault.  I was living "high on the hog" and never thought much about what I would do in case of a disaster.

The death of my husband didn't wake me up to my spend thrift ways in fact it just fueled them even more.  When I got laid off in November 2009, my income went away from my "new" career and I found myself at a loss as to what I should or could do to maintain an income.  Thirteen years after the death of my husband and here I am unemployed and disabled to the point of not being able to do the jobs I've done in the past thirty years to support myself.  I'm in a financial quagmire and looking at bankruptcy or worse.

I know there are countless people who would kill for my unemployment check- especially today with the cold and the rain - some people who are down and out would think my living situation is luxury.  But it's all relevant isn't it?  While I am extremely grateful that I have a home to stay warm and dry in and my daughter is thriving in her own life I feel like I'm one step away from the gutter.

Is God calling me to leave everything behind and follow him?  Well, of course he is.  I just can't believe he really wants me to give up all I've worked for.  Why can't I just move into a new career and live successfully on my own?  Why after all these years is he stripping me of all possessions and independence?

I'll tell you why- it's because I have PRIDE - too much of it I guess.  Is this the only reason for my situation?  No, I have made really HUGE mistakes, financially and well, otherwise.  God has blessed me in ways I never before imagined but it seems as soon as I came home from the world, the prodigal daughter was greeted by the father and he did indeed throw a banquet in my honor.  Right after Alfredo died, the Lord blessed me with a wonderful church body that lifted me up and welcomed me into the fold.  I was still working at this time and while I did tithe faithfully then I blew all the rest of my income on stuff.  So, when the injury came and the physical limitations abounded, I had nothing to fall back on.  One bad decision after another put me in this financial hell hole.  Of course, that is relevant as well because like I said some people would view my situation as luxury. 

But I've never been jobless before.  I never had to worry about where my next paycheck was coming from.  I have lived in poor (another relative term) neighborhoods before but honestly I really thought I'd never be back here again.  So, the Lord continues his work in me - helping me to see how prideful I have become or really, how prideful I have always been.  That's what he has been revealing to me in that last several months. 

I get it now.  My pride and arrogance needed to be broken. Does that mean I have to sign away everything I have?  Does it mean the Lord is literally going to take me back to the status I had in 1981?  Where people looked down on me as a mother because they thought I was a teenager?  Where I had to live in risky neighborhoods and count pennies to eat?  Is he really going to take away my home, my car and all my possessions?  I'm afraid he is.  I'm afraid he is going to put in a place where I'm even more uncomfortable than I currently am.  I'm pretty sure he is doing it ever so slowly, like the way I ended up in southeast San Diego, a minority among my neighbors.  It was a process over three years that put me here.

Also, he is teaching me to trust in him.  Whereas I thought I trusted before, now I realize I'm not trusting him enough to work things out for my good.  I guess I need to keep that scripture from Philippians 1:6 in my mind, "being confident of this very thing, that he who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ".  Just another opportunity to be God Strong.  Don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  Never lose faith in the love of Jesus Christ.