Ever since I moved to south east San Diego and undergone a transformation from middle class professional to unemployed disabled person I can imagine how some of these people's lives are degraded by crime and mischief. Because I no longer have the luxury of owning my own washer and dryer I have to use the condo complex's laundry rooms. They had recently put in all new units last year and installed new granite counter tops and new floors in some of the laundry rooms. It was really sweet and I was happy at least that I had a nice clean laundry room to do my laundry in. However, the "nice clean laundry room" has now been vandalized at least twice by taggers. The compartments on the washers for all the laundry solutions are now grodey with caked-on liquid and powder detergents, and the bleach and softner dispensers are also caked with dried on gunk.
This happening at the complex sparked a memory of some quote like poverty is oppression or the oppression of the poverty...something like that I'll have to google it... but I suddenly got it. When you are down on your luck, and basically financially bankrupt, what can you do or think when some turd vandalizes your laundry room? It is very depressing. When no one cares enough to clean up the laundry room, when maintenance staff is reduced, when people are purposefully harming the environment in which they live, how do you stay positive? You just look away, clean up what you can, call the property management company, mind your own business and keep to yourself.
And more importantly can you ever get out of it? It's different when this bankrupt state happens and you still have a job. At least, an official bankruptcy case will wipe out any financial obligations you may have that are weighing you down and keeping you from moving on. However, when your bankrupt state has occurred because of IRS tax debt, it feels like the government does not care whether you live on the street or not. The government gives you unemployment benefits but taxes the hell out of those too. It is such a vicious cycle that I thought I was forever out of since 1993.
Now I'm back in it deeper than ever. Instead of socking away those hundreds of thousands of dollars I made as computer programmer, I spent it all on "stuff". Stuff that now I'm slowing trying to sell just to make ends meet.
Seriously, what am I going to do?????
Dear God, please help me out of this mess.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, August 6, 2010
My Heart's Desire - It's Complicated
Well, it's August 6, 2010. Today my daughter and her family heads to Indianapolis, Indiana to visit family back there. I won't be going because.. well... it's complicated.
My mother is having a "Commemoration" for the 50th anniversary of my father's death. He died when I was 15 months old. Just a baby. I have no recollection of him whatsoever. I only know that his death created an extremely troublesome childhood - to say the least. My mother didn't handle the death and subsequent single motherhood very well - to say the least. It's all very complicated and will eventually be written about but probably not here because it's private and - well - this blog is not.
What I will say is that the troubles of my childhood made me strong - God Strong. And that's what this blog is about. It's about despite all the emotional abuse and neglect God came into my life when I was very young - about 7 years old and carried me through it. He gave me courage, stamina and the intellect to at first survive and then to prosper.
At this point in my life, currently, one would question whether I'm prospering. However, He - The One - has been revealing to me that He is only giving me my heart's desire. He knew that working in an office behind a computer all day, dealing with office politics, was NOT my heart's desire. He also knew that while I found a really interesting new career in laboratory science, the supervision I was receiving and the head honchos of the company was tearing me apart from in the inside out. I put on 50 pounds, got dandruff - acne really, on my scalp of all things. Plus, I developed a hiatal hernia and other physical manifestations of my stress.
I've now been unemployed for almost 9 months with no end in sight. In fact, I've applied for SSI disability due to my carpal tunnel, nerve compression and disc degeneration issues. Working all day at a computer - or even half a day, 5 days a week, is no longer an option for me. Devastating as it is to be rendered incapable of working with computers after I devoted 15 years of my life to it plus the computer science degree I finally obtained, I realize now that while I have the aptitude to work with computers, it is just not my passion - it is not my heart's desire.
What is my heart's desire? Ahhh.... that is the Question. I have a passion for dance - I studied it for the first 20 years of my life but at 51 years of age, it is an impossible dream to become a professional dancer. I love the ocean and the beach - but well, who doesn't? Very few. Yes, I did uproot my life in Indianapolis 21 years ago and moved myself and my young daughter close to an ocean but making a living out of that passion hasn't yet materialized.
I'm still waiting on The One - The great I AM - to reveal to me what exactly is my next career move. I thought is was in a very specific healthcare related field but that is also proving to be elusive. Psychology is what I am now studying and planning to get that all elusive 4-year college degree in. If I don't become a psychologist or something related to counseling, then at least I may figure out how to live at peace with my aforementioned troubled childhood.
In any event, I will be strong, GOD strong. Because He made me the strong person that I am today.
My mother is having a "Commemoration" for the 50th anniversary of my father's death. He died when I was 15 months old. Just a baby. I have no recollection of him whatsoever. I only know that his death created an extremely troublesome childhood - to say the least. My mother didn't handle the death and subsequent single motherhood very well - to say the least. It's all very complicated and will eventually be written about but probably not here because it's private and - well - this blog is not.
What I will say is that the troubles of my childhood made me strong - God Strong. And that's what this blog is about. It's about despite all the emotional abuse and neglect God came into my life when I was very young - about 7 years old and carried me through it. He gave me courage, stamina and the intellect to at first survive and then to prosper.
At this point in my life, currently, one would question whether I'm prospering. However, He - The One - has been revealing to me that He is only giving me my heart's desire. He knew that working in an office behind a computer all day, dealing with office politics, was NOT my heart's desire. He also knew that while I found a really interesting new career in laboratory science, the supervision I was receiving and the head honchos of the company was tearing me apart from in the inside out. I put on 50 pounds, got dandruff - acne really, on my scalp of all things. Plus, I developed a hiatal hernia and other physical manifestations of my stress.
I've now been unemployed for almost 9 months with no end in sight. In fact, I've applied for SSI disability due to my carpal tunnel, nerve compression and disc degeneration issues. Working all day at a computer - or even half a day, 5 days a week, is no longer an option for me. Devastating as it is to be rendered incapable of working with computers after I devoted 15 years of my life to it plus the computer science degree I finally obtained, I realize now that while I have the aptitude to work with computers, it is just not my passion - it is not my heart's desire.
What is my heart's desire? Ahhh.... that is the Question. I have a passion for dance - I studied it for the first 20 years of my life but at 51 years of age, it is an impossible dream to become a professional dancer. I love the ocean and the beach - but well, who doesn't? Very few. Yes, I did uproot my life in Indianapolis 21 years ago and moved myself and my young daughter close to an ocean but making a living out of that passion hasn't yet materialized.
I'm still waiting on The One - The great I AM - to reveal to me what exactly is my next career move. I thought is was in a very specific healthcare related field but that is also proving to be elusive. Psychology is what I am now studying and planning to get that all elusive 4-year college degree in. If I don't become a psychologist or something related to counseling, then at least I may figure out how to live at peace with my aforementioned troubled childhood.
In any event, I will be strong, GOD strong. Because He made me the strong person that I am today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)